Tess Explains It All

I’ve been a little down lately. And it’s for the obvious reason. Putting myself out there, dating and dating and still not being good enough for any guy to love . I ask myself every day what is wrong with me. For whatever reason I feel like guys just don’t take the time to get to know me. To know me is to love me haha I know that because I have a lot of friends who love me. So I know I’m capable of being loved. I ask myself if it’s because of the obvious reasons: I’m too fat, I’m not pretty enough, I party too much, I don’t love myself therefore no one can love me. Trust me…I’ve thought about all these things plus more.
I may never know why I’ve gone this long without a real boyfriend. I just hold onto the hope that I will one day find love and when I do all this depression and self doubt will have been worth it.
I’m literally exhausted from all of it. I wish I could walk around numb to it all, without a single person asking me about my dating life. Where I wouldn’t feel lame and weird that I’m single. I just want to be myself and hope that a guy will see me and just like me for me, and I won’t have to try so hard. I’m so tired of trying.
It’s a vicious cycle. Wanting to love yourself so someone will love you. But not being able to love yourself because no one will love you.
I’m exhausted. I don’t want to talk about it and this post isn’t for attention. It’s truly because the only thing that helps me feel better is to write about my feelings and not hide it from myself or the world. You can only shove those feelings aside and be strong for so long.
So where do I go from here? I guess I can tell myself to just focus on me. Do the things that make me happy. Become a better person. Surround myself with people that make me happy. And just pray every day that I will find love.